Day 10 of 61

Day 10 of 61: Oh so Lucy

Good news, bad news, or funny news first?

Let's go with he he ha ha first. Imagine this spastic scene...

I'm sitting on an examining recliner in a 8x6 doctor's room. My mind is wondering in the silence of waiting for my replacement doctor. Thinking. Thinking. Thinking. I glimpse in the mirror reflecting my mint-colored gown with a hint of geometric pattern, which doesn't match my shoes at all. The gown has two ratty strings that I've managed to tie so tight I choke myself. Ahhh! Too tight. I'm requesting a v-neck next time. Better yet, I'm going to use that comment card in the lobby.

I continue thinking and reading every word displayed in every inch of the room. Okay, I have my bearings. To the left, there is the gown basket, to the right, scale...AHHH! Focus. What does that sign say? I can't see it. I lean forward to read a sign above the computer, and phhhhhhhhhh! I farted. Oh man. Oh shitake mushrooms. What am I going to do if the doctress walks in right now.

I can't hide. I can't run. I could run, but my gown is exposing my caramel skin. Crap. The room is putrid. I'm allergic to fragrance, and somehow the rancid smell makes my chest tighten. Great. I'm stuck in a cubicle, with "guilty" stamped on my forehead, and the smell is messing up my lungs.

I strain to listen for footsteps in the hallway. Nothing. Okay, think fast. Look to the left. Look to the right. AH HA! I spot a giant bottle of green aloe hand sanitizer on the counter. I jump up, and decide the smell of hand sanitizer is my answer. This has to work. Please God, please do not let her walk in! I promise God to never buy 4 of anything at one time, ever again!

I rapidly squirt sanitizer all over my hands. Okay I smell like alcohol, but the room doesn't! Okay, you have to do it DM! I start to flap my arms up and down like I'm flying. I flap my arms around frantically, as I'm circling around the room like a lunatic. As if the fart wasn't bad enough, if she walked in...I can't even bear to think of it. Imagine: " Hello Donna, nice to meet you. Is there a reason you are flapping and circling around the room, and... what is that special smell?"

The horror doesn't end. I decide it still smells, so I rush to squirt globs more on my hands. I decide on a different tactic, waving my hands in figure 8's in the air, like I'm painting (still running in circles of course.) Ugh! PLEASE SAVE ME! Da*n I wish Craig was here, so I could blame it on him.

I sit, and stare at myself in the mirror, and give myself the most shameful look possible. I'm humiliated.

And......in walks the doctress, AND a student. So if it wasn't embarrassing enough at the thought of one stranger smelling my funk, I am blessed with the comedy of two strangers.

If your done laughing, I'll continue with the good news.

The good news?
The doctress says I'm healthy, and has no answer for my symptoms. Also, when I drove up to the hospital, all I could think of was killing time at the cool gift shops downstairs. Crazy. Who thinks of that? No one. Me, but I don't count. By the time I parked, I imagined myself touching the scarves, books, and jewelry. The good news, I resisted taking the elevator down.

The bad news?
Crap, Craig is totally going to give me that smirk. His smirk and pat on the back, that really means: I love you my cute, Asian, hypochondriac girlfriend. Ugh! I can't bear to face him.

Good night,
Discouraged Shopaholic